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About Literature / Hobbyist Member Destinee RaeAnnFemale/United States Groups :iconjackanddelila: JackandDelila
 
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I think I've hit my limit.. If waking up in a pool of tears, curled up in a tight ball isnt it, then I don't know if I can handle more. I just woke up (1:30amish)... And I was fine at first... And I looked at my phone real quick, and then I just started to cry uncontrollably. And I curled up and just let the tears go... I was so angry all of a sudden. And I started beating my matress, I couldn't help it.. And then I scratched myself really hard a couple times (as I've found I do when I'm in new situations, or ones I feel I have no control, or when I am with someone that makes me upset)  and I didn't seem to notice until after this affair. And then I realized I was mouthing words, that if sound was coming out they would be screams. And I'm sure some of it was that I am tired but there was something that just didn't feel like It was because I'm tired. 

I just needed to led to get that out... Well whatever you'd say that was.. Uh... Hi hi hi ho Back to bed I go....
Two words that have been on my mind lately: 

religion and love

I wanted to write a poem or something.. But I can hardly figure out what I'm even thinking about those lovely horrible words. 
My religion... Disagrees (?) with my love...
and my love.. Is a hot mess.. 

Ive talked with.. "Alfred" about it. (Idk why I picked Alfred XD just the first thing I thought of.) nothing really came of the conversation.. I mean, of course something did.. But, nothing.. Significant I suppose... 

(Im kinda bad at picking words when I speak... I can never get my thoughts out efficiently.. If at all)

Um anyways..
like.. It goes against my beliefs to be involved with who I am. To be brief and blunt, of course there's more details and yada yada yada But that's the main idea of it. 

Im Christian, he's atheist. 

(Which is awfully "funny" cause he has a better relationship with the Lord than I do. And should change that. Want to change that. But... There's the whole thing of me making excuses. That something else I want to change in my life, my relationship with God. I want to make it more... Present.. More real... I am an awful Christian. And I want to really work at this and then get baptized again. And I want to live that baptism out every day of my life until I die. But those are some wants that I haven't put any effort into. I need to learn to walk the walk.) 

(that's another fear that I've developed. And this could happen with anyone, ALL of this could happen with anyone, not just an atheist or a Christian or.. Anyone. I fear that I will lose my faith once I am out on my own. I fear I'll lose my priorities, not that I can truly say I have them straight right now..) 

Well here's the thing, like I could have a relationship with him and such, as I have been... But.. But I'll come back to this cause I don't know what I'm thinking... I don't know how to get it out... I don't know...

ill edit this later.. Hopefully...
You torture yourself with these thoughts... 
yet You continue to think of them.
Thinking so constantly of 
every.
little.
thing.
every breathe, every thought, every word, every feeling.

Make them stop, RaeAnn, make them stop!
STOP!

They do no good, none at all.
Don't think if you can only think antipathetically.

You need to think how people see you.
think joyous thoughts, think proud thoughts, think confident thoughts.

silence the ones you have now, nobody wants to know. 
Silence them, quick! People will leave.
silence yourself, or forever live this hell you've made. 

Speak up, show people what they want to see.
You can't do it soon enough!
look into their eyes and show people the joyful lies.
Silence the thoughts
It's still kinda a work in progress. But that's all I got for now. 
Loading...
Achknowledging someone you love has loved others in the past is
Not an easy task.
My life is just beginning, but i feel it is something I will never fully accept.
Theres a fear that comes with the feeling;
A fear I am unfamiliar with.

A cold but flaming fear. 
                                        And I hate it.

I try not to accept the fear
                  But it remains.
I try not to act on the fear
                           But I do.
I try to overcome the fear
                       But I can't. 

                                       And when I think I finally do...
It taunts, "I'm back"
I think it's funny how you may know just how much someone loves you, but if you are not constantly reminded.. you find yourself questioning the love. 

How you question everything regarding it...
Then soon, question everything regarding the person. 

Don't let someone question your love for them. Go remind them! 
I think I've hit my limit.. If waking up in a pool of tears, curled up in a tight ball isnt it, then I don't know if I can handle more. I just woke up (1:30amish)... And I was fine at first... And I looked at my phone real quick, and then I just started to cry uncontrollably. And I curled up and just let the tears go... I was so angry all of a sudden. And I started beating my matress, I couldn't help it.. And then I scratched myself really hard a couple times (as I've found I do when I'm in new situations, or ones I feel I have no control, or when I am with someone that makes me upset)  and I didn't seem to notice until after this affair. And then I realized I was mouthing words, that if sound was coming out they would be screams. And I'm sure some of it was that I am tired but there was something that just didn't feel like It was because I'm tired. 

I just needed to led to get that out... Well whatever you'd say that was.. Uh... Hi hi hi ho Back to bed I go....

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Bugaboo972
Destinee RaeAnn
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
I am an aspiring actress who also writes on the side... my hobby! I think of acting as a career and writing as an addiction. I don't write for anyone but myself, so this step, putting my work out in the world, is kind of difficult (as it is for everyone)... i also dabble in the photography world a bit... but just a bit, my camera broke so i will be doing that less until i can afford a new one. Well, I hope you enjoy this!
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:icontaranjhook:
TaranJHook Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for following my nonsense!:happybounce: 
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The-Scribbly-Fairy Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2014  Student General Artist
Happy Birthday! :cake: :cake: :cake: :icontardhugplz:
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:iconthe-scribbly-fairy:
The-Scribbly-Fairy Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013  Student General Artist
Hi! Hi!

Heart YOU'VE BEEN HUGGED!! Heart

:iconsupertighthugplz: :iconletmehugyouplz:

Heart :iconhugplz: Spread the DA love around! Heart :iconhugplz:

RULES:
- You can hug the person who hugged you!
- You should hug them in public! Paste it on their page!
- Random hugs are perfectly okay! (and sweet)
- You should most definitely get started hugging right away!

Send This To All Your Friends!!!! (Or Random People – Strangers Need Love Too!!)
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:iconthe-scribbly-fairy:
The-Scribbly-Fairy Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013  Student General Artist
Hello~ :D :la: :iconlaplz: Hope you have a wonderful day!
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The-Scribbly-Fairy Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Student General Artist
Thanks for the fave!
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shawnthewolf12 Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013
Hey remember when we were talking about Austin (AJESimply)? I hope we can chat again sometime. 
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Shanntal Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the fav. :)
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EvannaVanyaEliska Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the fave~! I appreciate it! :iconsmile-luplz:
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LOST-RAIN-POET Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the fave. 
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InVistaArts Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2013  Professional General Artist
thanks for the fave
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